Sunday morning musings…

Well, we’re mostly settled into this nighttime turn-taking routine of one of us sleeping in the bedroom for a few hours while the other one tries to sleep but attends to Samuel in the living room, and then we switch. However, we can’t go on like this forever, because it is still the case that neither of us is getting the sleep we should, and so we will try him in his co-sleeper in our room again soon.

In the meantime, Kirsten is taking the rest of her leave, but is still working a little bit (like tonight) and I am still looking for a new job. I’m waiting to hear about one very promising one still at the Lutheran Theological Seminary of Philadelphia, as the manager of their bookstore. It’s very close (just two train stops away), pays well and has good benefits, would make good use of my training and abilities, etc. I’ve been waiting to hear back about it for more than a month now; so hopefully it will come through soon. They did ask me on Friday to submit a lengthy application for employment (I had previously submitted my resume and cover letter and gone through on interview in person and a second one over the phone); so I’m taking that as a good sign. It has been a very good thing that I haven’t been working: it enabled me to be available for our (failed) home-buying attempt, for moving and getting settled, for moving Kirsten’s mom in and getting her settled, for being very present for Samuel’s first few weeks at home, etc. However, it also is frightening and burdensome to me; I want to feel like I’m doing "my part," I want Kirsten to be able to work only two days per week, I want to finally have some semblance of savings for both future home-buying and emergency use, I want to be able to consistently tithe, etc.

I love my son; he’s super adorable and often folks who meet him describe him as "perfect" (of course, he isn’t, unless that means somehow that he is wholly himself- who God made him to be). It’s a joy to interact with him, though stressful at times, and I fear my own worst instincts and impulses, my brokenness and emptiness, out of which I hope to have something to give him in the way of being a good father, etc. I know that I must trust Jesus and rely on his fullness, but that is always so difficult. Part of the difficulty, I know, is that I continue to be pretty isolated and disconnected from my church community here, which still just a short time ago was such an integral part of my life. Some of that isolation has to do with the constraints of life with our son, which is wonderful, but requires adjustment. For example, Kirsten works overnight tonight from 7pm to 7am; so in theory I could go to Circle of Hope’s 5 o clock Public Meeting, but would have to leave early to be home in time to relieve Kirsten so that she could leave for work by shortly after 6. Kirsten’s mom is living with us and has been super helpful, but is still getting comfortable with Samuel’s medical issues and hasn’t had CPR training yet, etc., which is kind of a big deal, as we still leave Samuel’s heart rate and oxygen saturation monitor on most of the time, and while most of the time he is fine, there are moments when he occasionally "desats," and if something happened to his oxygen, for example, there could be real trouble. Anyway….

Here’s a picture of the little guy right now; he’s mostly sleeping and is very peaceful:


Nightime = Sleep time?

Well, it’s time for bed. We got what I still think will be a great thing, a "co-sleeper" that attaches to our bed so that Samuel is right there by us through the night, which is great for nursing, etc. However, the first few nights this arrangement mostly kept both of us up all night, primarily because of Samuel’s oxygen saturation and heart rate monitor, which we like to leave on all night still. Last night we tried something new- taking shifts sleeping alone in our room, with the other one taking the baby and sleeping in the living room with the monitor. This worked fairly well, and it helped that the equipment supply company also sent a different, less sensitive monitor. I get to sleep tonight from 12-3, and then am on Samuel detail from 3 am on. Wish me luck…


I’m going to use this space, I think, to chronicle my journey as a new father of my son, who was born four months premature in December, and has just come home. Check back here as you like for my take on how it’s all going and what it’s all about, from a father’s perspective. To read about Samuel himself, go to:

Oh….about the title, with a little help from me, Lord willing, Samuel will be growing up, and along the way, I perhaps will be growing young as I struggle to give my son the childhood I have long mourned never having myself.