I added a picture album of our now lived-in house- or at least some of it, anyway, which I thought I’d share. By the way- Jenell, when I blog, this is where it happens:
Because my emotions were so long suppressed out of necessity, simply so that I could survive, my emotional development was stunted, and I am increasingly aware of how simply infantile most of my deep-felt emotional responses are. Due to supposed maturity in other areas, I am usually able to mask these infantile responses behind cogent argumentative rationalization, but I know what’s really going on, and am all-too stymied by it. Ahh, the joys of self-awareness.
My "office drone" days go on as I keep job-hunting- or is my seeming lack of employability hunting me? The most recent church position that I was hopeful about being chosen for did not, finally, work out. My second interview there went well and the pastor was very affirming to me at the conclusion of it, and then again later that evening when he called with their decision. He said my not being chosen wasn’t so much a reflection on me as it was an indication of how strong the other candidates were. He encouraged me to keep looking and checking their denominational website- which I have been- and lo and behold just a short while later a similar position has opend up, though this one is right here in Cuyahoga Falls. I have applied for it, and as always, we shall see. In the meantime, I have received two letters in the mail saying that social work positions I applied for weren’t going to work out, in one case because they never interviewed for the position and in the other case because they did interview- me- and decided not to pursue things further. However, the major financial services company that I am now temping for is pleased with my work and I am told my supervisor there is working to find a permanent position for me. At least "the man" likes me- a little. Again- we shall see. These days of uncertainty are certainly challenging and too easily fill me with insecurity related to my education, work experience, interview skills, and future employability- not to mention the marketability of my resume- as if I didn’t struggle enough with insecurity already. At least I am able to somewhat contribute to our financial well-being in the meantime.
Speaking of insecurity, lately I am finding my keen self awareness to be a powerful, though increasingly damnable, thing. It is powerful because it gives me some ability to choose my behavior rather than have it be driven by latent issues, patterns, and responses from childhood. It seems damnable, though, because it becomes incumbent upon me to make some very hard choices- ones that require me to go against some equally powerful "gut instincts." I did a typically poor job of this last night and will be paying for it in guilt, self-loathing, and lack of sleep for the next day or so, if form holds. Alas….