Jesus Gets Himself Homeless Again, and Frankly That Little Brat Deserves It

So we’ve decided to kick Jesus to the curb. It was obviously a hard decision, but we really believe it’s the best thing. He’s just so needy, and ungrateful, and honestly annoying as hell. We tried our best to take care of him and his little brother while his parents are going through a hard time, but after nearly three months we just can’t take it anymore. Not only is he needy, ungrateful, and annoying as hell, but I believe his upbringing by disadvantaged parents has damaged him psychologically- probably permanently. If I were a clinician, I’d probably say he was a “RAD kid” (Reactive Attachment Disorder). He chatters constantly (annoying!) and engages in all kinds of attention-seeking behavior. Every single day for nearly three months, every single time he has to be separated from us at all- whether to go to his room for nap time or a time out, or when left at daycare, or at bedtime, etc.- every single one of those times he always asks the same question: “are you going to come get me?”. We try to reassure him and say “Yes, Jesus, we’ll come get you,” but frankly it’s getting VERY old, and we’ve started telling him not to ask silly questions. I mean, after all, caregivers always come get the kids in their care, don’t they?


There are other issues too. Frankly, Jesus is just plain gross. Look, I know his folks were disadvantaged and Jesus wasn’t exposed to all the experiences and sensations that most “normal” kids are, but come on- this is ridiculous. That kid puts everything- literally everything- in his mouth. He’s constantly licking things he’s not supposed to, like pictures, or biting things he’s not supposed to- like windowsills. It’s crazy and gross and mildly disturbing. Once he’s gone we’re going to hose down the house with a power washer filled with sanitizer. Not only that, but Jesus’ behavior is simply unmanageable. He doesn’t listen to anything we have to say; he’s defiant and disrespectful and has way, way too much energy. He flies into rages when sent to his room for bad behavior and once there will throw every toy, book, pillow, sheet, and article of clothing as hard as he can against every surface in his room until it looks like a mini-tornado swept through just his little room. The little brat is oppositional too. He’ll say he wants or doesn’t want something until he’s pleading for whatever it is, and then as soon as we do what he’s asking for, he’ll scream and bounce and cry saying that he wants just the opposite. Talk about pushing our buttons, my…..God! (no pun intended).


As if all that wasn’t enough, Jesus is loud- really, really loud. He seems to have one volume, and it’s loud enough to give you a migraine with any prolonged exposure. He doesn’t understand inside versus outside voices. It’s crazy. It’s like he was either raised outside or in an environment where he had to scream just to be heard. Now we’re the ones screaming most of the time, just to get him to shut up or quiet down for a few seconds.


Did I mention that Jesus was gross? He’s potty-trained, but barely, and that hasn’t stopped him from shitting in his room and peeing in the bathtub. And when he sneezes, dear God, bless me, not him. He just lets it hang there ‘til it hits the floor or he decides to play with it. One day, I finally told him, “Look Jesus, I don’t know how they do it in the ‘hood but here in suburbia we aren’t gross.”


Anyway, for all of these clearly obvious and justified reasons we’ve finally told Jesus and his little brother to be on their way. We wish them the best and hope everything works out for them, but we just can’t be responsible for them anymore. I don’t know anybody in their right mind who could.


Good luck, kid. I know you’re here to save the world and all, but please, do a little self-improvement first. At this rate, you’re well on your way to becoming another minority prison statistic. 

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