I’m Fine; Really, I Am

I still need to finish that “I Guess I Can’t Avoid This Forever” series, and I will, but not tonight. I should be in bed already, getting ready for another early start tomorrow, but I’m not. Those who know me or who have read this blog for any length of time are well aware that I’m unafraid to “put myself out there” in the belief that my vulnerability- practiced or not- is empowering for others and sometimes cathartic for me. So here’s a decidedly unpracticed bit of vulnerability: I saw a new “shrink” last week, and what had heretofore been a case of “mild depression” for the past fifteen years is mild no longer. The counselor had me do a depression inventory and audibly gasped when he scored it. Apparently I scored on the lowest end of the lowest part of the scale. He wanted to medicate me (and my wife agrees), but I’m pretty resistant to the idea, with the side affects of depression meds having a lot to do with that.

What I know for sure is that I can’t “medicate” the pain with food (I’m about 10 pounds over what I consider my ideal weight, and MUST reverse that trend again), or (lack of) sleep, or anything else for that matter. I can mitigate some of it, though, with running, writing, and lots of time spent in community. I think I’m good with the writing so far, as the recent flurry of blog activity attests to, and I have great determination to get running again. The community is a bit harder to come by, though I’ve been trying to build it as I can over the past few weeks. Of course, what’s really needed is to deal with the core issues. I don’t know that therapy will solve them necessarily, but if I can learn to cope a little better, no matter how overwhelming it all is, I know I’ll be a lot better off. May it be so.

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