What It Looks Like

Brushing my teeth. Eating right and running every day. Shaving every day. Communicating (anything of importance)- with almost anyone, but especially with God, and especially through prayer or song. Paying bills on time (also for financial reasons, though). In general, managing the every-day-ness of my life. In light of my recent C-PTSD diagnosis, these are the things that I’ve noticed are a constant challenge to me, a daily struggle. This is what my C-PTSD “looks like.” I startle easily, find lots of noise oppressive, and am loathe to reveal anything unscripted about myself. I have a humiliating (to me) vocal/verbal tic that increases in frequency based on fatigue and stress (especially the stress of having to speak to others publicly), and I’m always fatigued and stressed and my job requires me to meet with others publicly on a daily basis. I’m perfectionistic, hypercritical of myself (and too often others), hypervigilant, and I catastrophize (and have anxiety about) almost everything. I know more about the new SARS-like virus and the newly emerged variant flu strains than many CDC workers. I’m likewise aware of most of the scenarios by which our society could come crumbling down, including rogue nuclear detonations, cyber or EMP attacks, and the looming global crises in our food, energy, and financial systems. I struggle to maintain relationships, and usually feel abandoned when they wane or fail (as I expect them inexorably to do). I stay up late, wake up often, and get up early until the fatigue is too much and then I cycle into going to bed early, getting up late, etc. I’m irritable and pessimistic. I swing between extremes and am told I’m an “all or nothing” kind of guy.


And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

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